【本報綜合報導】我們都自以為懂得怎樣去愛，卻因此漸漸與愛背離。要與異性建立良好關係並不容易，它理所當然需要經營。許多時候我們努力不夠，但不管多用心經營，不僅錯誤，且往往以主觀思維和態度破壞彼此關係。
大家見過很多分手例子，其中有戲劇性的「曇花一現之戀」，也包括持續很久的平淡分手，誰在破壞彼此關係？可歸納出10大因素。
1 你想扮演贏家
感情的致命殺手之一，就是競爭的慾望。在競爭關係中，人們往往只想著怎麼得到好處，佔上風，抓住對方的把柄。如果你覺得有些事不能告訴方，因為對方會以此抗拒，那你們就處於競爭關係－最好不要持續太久。
2 你的不信任感
感情生活中有兩種信任感十分重要。一是相信伴侶不會欺騙或傷害你，且知道對方確可信任。另一種是相信、知道伴侶不會因為你的一句話而離開或不愛你。
如果第二個信任已不存在，不論你們其中哪一人利用對方的信任而做出有害的事，或其中一人認為對方會這樣，你們的關係已經結束，即使拖延十年才分手。
3 你不願意表達
有人把煩惱或失望埋藏心底，也許不想傷害伴侶，也許想佔上風（例如：不告訴你，讓你摸不著頭緒）。
即使短期內能改善事情，但長久會侵蝕感情的根基。小事情會變成大麻煩，是因伴侶沒有先知先覺，更糟的是「先知後覺」，知道卻認為不會有問題。保持沉默，反映缺乏信任感。，那是感情結束的主因。
4 你不願意傾聽
傾聽，而且是真正的傾聽，很難。聽到批評，我們總想要辯護，這很正常。所以我們通常會打斷別人的解釋，為自己找理由或暗地準備防禦，而沒有聽別人把話說完。
但你的伴侶值得你主動傾聽，甚至聽出日常閒聊裡的暗示，去發現對方的夢想和心願（對方可能還不自覺）。
5 揮霍如單身時
單身時，你可以在任何時候買任何想買的東西，幾乎不用考慮將來，你是唯一須承擔後果的人。
當你和某個人交往一段長期，這就是麻煩了。你的伴侶和你的孩子，將會是你開銷時首要考慮因素，先考慮家庭必要開支，還有餘錢，再一起討論花掉它的最好辦法。無論如何，伴侶間需要更多溝通。若你花錢有如鈔票都是你的，那感情就完了。
有男性部落客指出：「我們是很好應付的，如果你們少上幾堂健身課，我們甚至會買那些該死的衣服給你們！」
6 總是害怕分手
在真正愉快的伴侶關係中，沒有人會害怕分手。如果你害怕，肯定某個地方出錯了。通常來說，錯誤的是恐懼本身，它不僅洩漏信任的不足，也]洩漏自信和自尊心的缺乏；你把更多精力用來維持表面幸福，而不是去塑造自己，這樣的事吃力不討好，你的伴侶遲早會警覺並離開你。
7 總是過於依賴
伴侶關係中的支持和依賴，有一條微妙的界線。如果你過於依賴伴侶，沒有對方就不能生活，那麼你已越界，壓力會讓對方產生怨隙。若你期望伴侶帶給你一切，你卻什麼都不能給予，你已處於麻煩中。
8 總是指望幸福
感情不好的跡象，就是雙方都希望能使對方快樂，或讓對方給自己快樂。這是不現實的期望，沒有人能使你快樂，除了你自己。
感情生活不會只有快樂，當你心煩、痛苦、沮喪或憂傷時，能夠依靠某個人，遠比總是快樂還要重要。如果你期望伴侶能帶來快樂，或因你的伴侶不能給你快樂而失望，那你們的感情將不會順利。
9 你從來不爭吵
偶爾一次良性爭吵是必需的，中國俗諺「床頭吵，床尾和」是有道理的。如果有一次不愉快的爭吵，它能回過頭幫助伴侶雙方，看清已存在但未知的問題，幫助你們遠離激戰，直到你越過臨界線。
夫妻間不爭吵是害怕衝突，這反映出信任感缺乏和恐懼的根源。這不是好事。有時候，爭吵能在小事變成大事前把它引出，而且爭吵能把人類正常情感的生氣表達出來。你們的感情必須堅固到能包容全部，而不只是快樂。
10 相愛容易相處難
對於感情，有兩種嚴重的錯誤心態。一種認為感情很容易，如果真心相愛並打算在一起，問題就迎刃而解。另一種認為，任何值得擁有的都很難得到，來之不易才值得擁有。這兩種人都不會去經營感情。
認為太簡單的人，覺得不需做任何事；認為很艱難的人，努力過後，反而不覺得「得來不易」。兩種情況都會很快令你疲憊不堪，前者的問題沒有如預期消失，後者的難題持續消耗精力。不需要任何經營的感情，絕不會更好。
你可以有的選擇
這10個問題沒有唯一答案，但有些選擇，你可以為自己是破壞感情的推手，找出解釋來。譬如：為感情失敗找出卸責理由…下個人會更好；失敗不意味分手…但很多人可沒這麼幸運；你可以悶悶不樂在一段失敗的感情中生活幾年，甚至幾十年，因害怕找不到更好的；更糟的是，害怕這是自己應得的。
你可以不必如此，只要找到解決辦法，不管是需要治療，一次獨自的登山，或只是跟你的伴侶深談、彼此允諾改善。
你無法有的選擇
近代性學研究發現，性愛是巨大的鎮靜劑。做愛時人體可釋放內啡呔，它是一種天然的鎮靜、鎮痛劑，提高免疫系統功能；性在婚姻中的作用非常大。
但中國調查，影響夫妻親密關係的主因為：夫妻觀點經常不一致或嚴重分歧（45%）、家庭責任大（例如子女教育、家庭經濟狀況）（32%）及家庭性生活不和諧（27%）。當前，「無性夫妻」增加，性生活變成無法有的選擇。
2008-11-10
Destroy the romantic relationship between the 10 commandment
PRC roundup】 think we all know how to love, but love and therefore gradually depart. To establish a good relationship with the opposite sex is not easy, of course it needs to operate. Many of our efforts not enough time, but no matter how hard operation, not only wrong, and often subjective thinking and attitude of the damage to relations with each other.
We have seen many examples of breaking up, including the dramatic "Love in a flash in the pan" as well as continued for a long time breaking up the dull, who is trying to destroy the relationship between each other? Can narrow it down to 10 factors.
You want to play a winner
One of the feelings of the deadly killer, is the desire to compete. In the competition, people tend to just want to how the benefit, the upper hand, grasp the other side of the handle. If you feel that some things can not tell side, as will the other side to resist, then you are on the competition - best not to last long.
2, you do not trust
Emotional life of the trust, there are two very important. First, believe that the partner will not hurt or deceive you, and know each other really trusted. The other is believed to know your partner will not leave a word or do not love you.
If the second trust no longer exists, no matter which one you use each other's confidence and make a harmful thing, or one of them so that the other party, your relationship is over, even if the 10-year delay before breaking up.
3, you do not want to express
It was disappointing to bury the bottom of my heart trouble, or perhaps do not want to hurt the partner may wish to prevail (for example: do not tell you that you touched a loss as to how).
Even in the short term to improve things, but for a long time will erode the foundation of feelings. Small things become big trouble, is not a partner because of the foresight, make matters worse, "after the Prophet sleep", but know that there is no problem. To remain silent, reflecting a lack of trust. That is the main reason for the end of the feelings.
4, you do not want to listen to
Listen, and listen to the real, it is difficult. Heard the criticism, we want to defend this is normal. Therefore, we usually interrupt other people's interpretation, looking for their own reasons or secretly prepared defense, and did not finish listening to other people.
However, you should be your partner take the initiative to listen, hear and even day-to-day chat, hints, to discover each other's dreams and aspirations of (the other party may not consciously).
5, such as spending a single time
Single, you can buy at any time want to buy any of the things that almost do not have to consider in the future, you only have to bear the consequences.
When you contact someone and for a long time, and that is in trouble. Your partner and your children will be spending when you are given the highest priority, the need to take into account the family expenses, they still have money left, and then discuss the best way to spend it. In any case, the need for more communication between partners. If you spend all your money like that feeling on the end.
There are male blogger said: "We are a very good deal if you have a small hall on a few fitness classes, we may even buy those bloody clothes to you!"
6 are always afraid of breaking up
In the real pleasure of the partnership, no one will be afraid of breaking up. If you fear, a place where there is certainly a mistake. In general, the error is fear itself, which not only leak less confidence, and leakage of a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem; you more energy to maintain the surface of the well-being, rather than portray themselves, so do a thankless job, you The partners will be on the alert, and sooner or later you have to leave.
7 always relied too much on
In partnership the support and dependence on a delicate line. If you over-reliance on partners, not the other party will not be able to live, then you have crossed the line pressure on the other side will have a gap resentment. If you expect your partner to all, but you can not give what you have been in trouble in.
8 always count on the well-being
Feeling good sign that both sides hope to make each other happy, or let the other party to their happiness. It is unrealistic to expect that no one will enable you to be happy, in addition to your own.
Love life will not be happy only when you upset, pain, sorrow or frustration, can rely on certain individuals, more important than always happy. If you expect partner to bring happiness, or your partner can not give you happiness and disappointment, that your feelings will not be smooth.
9, you never quarrel
Occasionally a healthy quarrel is necessary Chinese proverb "noisy bed, bed end and" makes sense. If there is an unpleasant quarrel, it can turn around and help the two partners, has been to see the existence of the unknown, but the problem and help you to stay away from fighting until you cross the threshold.
Quarrel between husband and wife is not afraid of conflict, reflecting a lack of trust and fear of the root causes. This is not a good thing. Sometimes, things can be turned into a quarrel before the event it leads, and can quarrel normal human emotion of anger expressed. You must be a strong feeling to be able to all inclusive and not just happiness.
10 easy to love difficult to get along
The feelings, there are two serious errors of mind. A feeling that is easy, if the intention to sincere love and together, to solve the problem. Another of the view that any are worth having is difficult to get, only the hard-won worth having. The two are not operating to the feelings.
That's too simple, feel no need to do anything; that very difficult, after the effort, but do not feel that "it is not easy." Both cases, you will soon be exhausted, the former issue has not disappeared as expected, the latter continuing problem of energy consumption. Does not require any operator is no better.
You can choose to have
10 This problem is not the only answer, but some choose, you can undermine their own feelings of the promoter, to find out the explanation. For example: In order to find out the feelings of failure to shirk its responsibility under the personal reasons ... will be better; failure does not mean breaking up ... but a lot of people can not so lucky; you can over a period of depressed feelings of failure to live a few years, even decades, for fear of looking Not better; To make matters worse, it is afraid of its own well-deserved.
You can not have that, as long as a solution, whether it is in need of treatment, a mountain alone, or with your partner to talk about deep, and promised each other to improve.
Some you can not choose
Modern sexuality study found that sex is a great sedative. Love can be released when the body endorphin, a natural sedative, analgesic and enhance immune system function; of the role of marriage in the very large.
However, the Chinese investigation, the impact of the close relationship between husband and wife owners for the following reasons: husband and wife point of view often inconsistent or serious differences (45%), large family responsibilities (such as children's education, family economic status) (32%) and sexual disharmony in the family (27%) . At present, "asexual husband and wife" increase in sexual life can not be turned into some choice.
View more information, see the World Journal reported that e-ePaper.
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